WHY TREMBLE

Our pastor’s sermon series, “Anxious for Nothing,” challenged me in some positive ways but also reminded me of some painful life lessons. Fear has as much power as we give it in most cases; however, fear can also come on the heels of tragedies, and it takes the mighty hand of God to remove the prison that fear can wrap us in. In fact, my prayers include Psalm 25, “My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” And Psalm 142, “Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name.” From our deadly crash, fear has led me to isolate myself in protective mode, make some poor choices, stand down when I should have stepped up, and among other things, fear has led me to pray some awful prayers. No doubt, Christ is not shocked by my lack of faith nor is He shocked by my fear-based prayers. I believe many times He lets us pay the consequences for our choices, but more often, He covers us in mercy and leads us through. I’m choosing to share this secret story to remind you that God is Sovereign and moves according to His plans. He is not swayed by our emotions—most certainly not by our fears!

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Three months after Leo and I were married we found out we were going to have a baby. I had never really been around babies or pregnant mamas, so I only had my sister’s experience to go by (a 45-minute delivery!) and the wonderful testimonials of the women in my birthing classes. But, I had a rude awakening on the horizon like a lamb headed for slaughter.

When I went into labor in the middle of the night at age 20, my pain level soared to a 10. No one prepared me for the agony of “back labor.” I equate it to an alien inside twisting my spinal cord with every intention of ripping it out of my body. Nope! Didn’t know about back labor! And, friends had encouraged me to go “natural.” Being tough and wanting the accolades of those friends, I went through 20 hours of hard labor, back labor, without an epidural until my doctor made the decision for me. He knew I couldn’t go anymore! I had no energy left. Yet, I was stuck on this labor-train plowing forward that did not come with brakes or a pause button. I am pretty darn tough, but during this time, I would have seriously preferred to wrestle a lion! Thank God for epidurals!

A miracle! “It’s a boy!” Leo and I wept. Our sweet baby was beautiful and so calm. We made it! I LIVED THROUGH IT! God had mercy and gave us a perfect baby boy. It was over! THANK YOU, JESUS!

A year of bliss later, something was different. I couldn’t be! I could not be pregnant! But, I knew! I did not need a pregnancy test to confirm anything. Just as before, I knew, and a monster of fear invaded my world. A monster so real all I could do was run! While baby Aaron slept (and Leo on the road), I ran to an abandoned, overgrown field and fell to my knees crying. Fear pummeled through my soul as all the pain I experienced of childbirth replayed over and again. Trembling and terrified, I cried and pleaded with God relentlessly, “Please, please, please, please, God, do not let me be pregnant! Please God. Please God. Please….”

God did not ignore my prayers that day. Rather, He met me in the tall grass of despair, and simply spoke to my blinded heart, “Oh, the ramblings of a foolish young girl. Fear cannot keep you from Me.” Time passed as He calmed the storms within and my tears slowly dried. My heart had changed, and my pregnancy and delivery were nothing as previously experienced. In fact, a reckless driver crashed into my car at five months pregnant; I was injured, but found myself pleading for God to protect our baby through the remaining months. Our little Meagan Elaine was born in due time, and our lives were forever changed. Meagan—our precious baby girl that God designed, foreknew, and created for a grand purpose. His divine purpose overruled any foolish prayer I could pray. Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. Amen!

A simple word but such an effective weapon of the enemy—fear. It’s the absence of faith. Sin. The opposite of trust in our Savior. It carries a heavy punch, but fear does not make God tremble. In fact, fear quakes in the very presence of The Almighty! It has no power, no substance, no control—except what we choose to give it. What foolish words does fear lead you to speak? What does fear keep you from or lead you to? What abandoned fields does anxiety take you to and break you to your knees?

As I write this, I am dumbfounded by a revelation. I literally had to go for a walk because my heart began pounding and my chest tightening. You see, God revealed to me the undercurrents of what I was writing: the ONLY other time since Meagan’s birth where I was alone desperately crying out in an abandoned field was the crash that took her life! Two very different situations. This time, I was crying out for her life! I was not rambling foolish prayers. I was calling on my Savior—the presence of God Almighty. He met me in the fields of despair and anguish, shock and darkness, chaos and confusion. And, He held me.

In our darkest hour, when fear and anxiety have a grip on us, we need to remember God is bigger than anything we face or feel. We all fear, BUT, if we are quick to turn from the whispers of the enemy, there is ONE greater Who will see us through. There is ONE mightier Who will meet us in the field of fear, hold us tight, and give us His strength to face the darkness! Even when our eyes cannot see Him. Especially when we cannot feel Him. He is with us! And, we stand because He stands beside us. If you love Him, He is faithful! He has called us by name, and we are His.

Deliverance may be a long process for many like me because tragedies often seed triggers that cause fear. BUT, I believe the Bible, “We have a hope the world does not know” and His name is Jesus! Sometimes, the battle for our faith is an exhausting one, but we serve a BIG GOD—bigger than any prison or trigger. And, we choose whether to live by faith or by fear. We choose to pray the prayers of a faith-filled heart or the rantings of a fear-filled one. I am FOREVER thankful the Lord did not move on my foolish prayers, but rather fulfilled the purpose He had for our daughter! I asked for forgiveness back then many times and I found His mercy is endless. Why do we often tremble in the face of fear when Our God calls us His own and promises to never leave us? Our God Who designed the heavens and placed the stars into existence, and gently breathed life into our lungs. Our God Who holds all things in His hands, and bends an ear to the cares of our hearts. What a loving Father! What a personal Lord!

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be anxious, for I am Your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Isaiah 43:1 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.

Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?