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There is a little book I have carried in my bag for the last seven years. It is always with me. One of many books given by friends and family, but this one somehow attached itself to my heart. Small but profound. Small but piercing. Small and able to squeeze through the cracks of confusion and darkness in my soul.

A small book with a big name, “Experiencing Grief,” by H. Norman Wright. Pages tattered and road-weary, watermarks throughout, highlighted sections, underscored paragraphs, scribbled notes, exclamations, daring questions…and then Leo’s penned notes.

What is it about this little book that intrigues me so? Though I saturate myself in His Word regularly, it was early on that God began to use “Experiencing Grief” to assure me that “I am not going insane!” though I often feel I’m on its precipice.  He used this book to remind me that my thoughts are not irrational nor do my questions trip Him up; to open my eyes to "others" who experience a similar pain; and that it is okay to grieve because His Holy Spirit is with me.

Though I have fallen, 
I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness, 
the Lord will be my light.
Micah 7:8

If you, like me, have cried a sea of tears whether from joy or from sorrow, I would like to share an excerpt from this book, a quote by Max Lucado:

Tears.

Those tiny drops of humanity. Those round, wet balls of fluid that tumble from our eyes, creep down our cheeks, and splash on the floor of our hearts. They were there that day. They are always present at such times. They should be; that’s their job. They are miniature messengers; on call twenty-four hours a day to substitute for crippled words. They drip, drop and pour from the corner of our souls, carrying with them the deepest emotions we possess. They tumble down our faces with announcements that range from the most blissful joy to darkest despair.

The principle is simple; when words are most empty, tears are most apt.

Wright continues Lucado’s thought, “So much is distilled in our tears, not the least of which is wisdom in living life. From my own tears I have learned that if you follow your tears, you will find your heart. If you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life.”

My heart yearns for my Father, the main reason I pour out my thoughts through my pen, and then listen for His voice. It has been a strange year on this journey. Strange because He has given me much hope and has brought what was dead (me) back to life. Yet there is this intense longing and sorrow that dwells within the same chambers.  I ache deeply. I shut down. I burst into tears. I withdraw. He woos me back to a healthy place and challenges me. I worship. I burst into tears in the intimacy. I withdraw. He woos me back. I run into His arms.

My prayer is the Prayer of Courage (Experiencing Grief): 

Help me, O God.
Give me the courage to cry.
Help me to understand that tears bring
Freshly washed color arching across the soul,
Colors that wouldn’t be there apart from the rain.

Help me to see in the prism of my tears,
Something of the secret of who I am.
Give me the courage
Not only to see what my tears are revealing
But to follow where they are leading.
And help me to see,
Somewhere over the rainbow,
That where they are leading me…is home.

Sovereign. REDEEMER. Grace-unending. MERCIFUL. Restorer. GIVER OF HOPE. Lover of my soul. TEAR-CATCHER.

But I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
And He hears my voice.
Psalm 5:16-17

Hallelujah! Amen!