WATCH FOR HIS FINGERPRINTS

I woke up today as every day with Reality in my face and my urge to barrage the Lord with all of my “whys.” And, just like most every day, He gently quiets my soul and reminds me He is sovereign, He is faithful, and He has me. This morning, I am reminded of His ever-present fingerprints…sometimes hidden within my pain; sometimes as bright as the morning sun, like this one:

Meagan was convinced she had to have a particular costly designer watch that she had her eyes on for weeks. Many of her co-workers seemed to be in on it and I soon found myself outnumbered as she caressed the watch in my presence. Knowing she could sway her dad, we got him on the phone, and, of course, he said buy it if she wants it. So that Christmas, Meagan had one gift under our tree—the elegant, small-faced, bronze watch she said was made just for her.  It was beautiful as she was, and just as unique.

It was now spring when Meagan called and said she needed to talk with me and her dad. She told us that she had been laboring over something for two months. Something she was certain God put on her heart. A clear directive as if whispered into her ears while she literally felt a pat on her leg. He whispered the words, “It’s time.”

For two months, Meagan pressed God for more specifics. Yet, He gave her only this, she was to move from Nashville where she had lived her whole life to the Chicago-burbs where we were living at the time. She was certain that she heard His voice, and that this was a call to obedience, and felt confident that God would reveal “the why” once she made the move. She writes about this spiritual quest in her journal.  

So, she moved to the Chicago-burbs. Nine months after her move, Meagan and I prepared for the road trip that forever altered the dynamics of our family. This was a quick trip back to Nashville to see her newly married younger sister, and brother. Before leaving, she got in my face to clarify, “So no surprises, right? This is a jeans and sandals trip?” I confirmed, “Yes, a jeans and sandals trip. Going there and coming right back.” With that, I was surprised to see her come downstairs with only a tote bag and all in less than five minutes! 

The next night on our return home when our lives intersected with a drunk driver’s poor choice, and Meagan’s life was taken, I was utterly lost, confused, disoriented spiritually. I felt God had abandoned me, but I also believed, as we had prayed, that God holds all things in His sovereign hands, and nothing happens without His approval or intervention. Yet, I was lost, and my heart completely shattered.

After the crash and home from the hospital, our youngest daughter Melody brought Meagan’s cherished designer watch to me knowing I would want to put it up for safekeeping. I decided to wear it—as a way to be near Meagan. My sisters and Mom were with me as I sobbed over the watch and missing my Meagan. Then suddenly, I began gasping for air and crying, “Take it off! Please take it off! Take is off!” This is all I could manage to communicate in my shock as I tried desperately to remove the watch from my wrist! My sister Zoe quickly unclasped it and hugged me asking what was going on. I could barely speak. I was a mess of jumbled words and emotions as I tried to point out that her watch (the watch Meagan chose not to wear on this “jeans and sandals trip” and intentionally left behind) had stopped at the exact minute of her death!! Her watch that she left in her bedroom stopped as she took her last breath. 4:18. Meagan’s favorite watch forever paused on 4:18—the delicate crystal face marking her transformation from this life into eternal life with The Father.

We didn’t know what to do with this, but it did not take long for Leo and me to agree that God saw fit that we, as her parents, would be in need of a huge spiritual fingerprint to confirm that Meagan’s death was no surprise to Him and that He even foreknew the exact time of her death.

Our Great God is not confined by time. As for God, we cannot box Him in by the boundaries of time; yet, He does use time because we are creatures captured by it. I share this story of God’s sovereignty, of how it impacted Meagan and consequently Leo and me, but also to challenge you as we have been challenged, to inspire you, to hopefully break down some spiritual walls, and to ultimately give Him glory. 

God revealed His sovereignty in many ways during our tragedy over the years, this is only one. But, as I look at today and wonder “why,” I am reminded that HE is GOD and He is in control, and I am not. He does not owe us any explanations. Though He loves us, some things are not for us to know, and some things require trust and faith—two very difficult choices, daily choices. What is God trying to show you today? Do you see His fingerprints in your life? Whether storm or calm, He speaks. And if you are in a time of waiting—remember, He is also in the waiting. 

“My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of My Father’s hand.” John 10:27-29 (NIV)

“All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16(NIV)

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

Tag. You’re it. 

WONDERS IN THE DEEP

I was reminded Sunday of a memory triggered by our pastor’s latest sermon series titled, “Finish Well.” In the fall before Meagan’s “going home,” she decided to participate in our home group Bible study with a preface similar to, “I can only commit to a few visits of your ‘old folk’ group until I find a new Bible study of my own.”

With the curriculum came homework that she and I worked on while relaxing on our back deck in the Chicago-burbs. One particular day, we decided to discuss our answers. I distinctly remember thinking this would be some good mother-daughter time, but how I underestimated God’s plan! What I thought would be a “good” Bible study turned out to revolutionize my life and prepare me for what was to come.

I remember that particular day and Meagan’s countenance as we talked through our homework; how she relaxed on the patio chair with her feet propped up on the little side table. I remember her gently tapping the corner of her mouth with her pen as she spoke her responses. I believe I even remember what she was wearing. THAT’s the impact this moment had on me. And I remember my response to her response to one of the questions, “Hmmmm, I never really thought about it that way. I read the question differently. Hmmmm.”

“How did YOU answer the question, Rebecca?” (Yes, often she called me Rebecca.) Still captivated, I read my less-impressive answer though I knew it was biblically sound. She replied, “Well, I get that, but that’s the easy way out. If you read the question the way I did, what would your response be?” I said, “Let me think about it for a minute.” And I remember staring at my worn Bible, marked up, tabbed, highlighted, with scribbled notes throughout—29 years of studying it, inhaling it, and pursuing God through it. After a few minutes of silence, my heart spoke from a deeper place as we continued going through our homework together. Needless to say, I re-wrote some of my answers because I longed to stay in this deep place!

How is it that my 24-year-old daughter dove so easily into the depths for her answers? How is it that I did NOT? Did I take the easy way out so that I could quickly finish my work? Or was I sometimes more comfortable walking along the shore? 

Oh, I miss talking about GOD and life with Meagan. I love her passion and her intellect. I loved hearing her mind process her thoughts and struggles. I love how HE challenged me through her, and how HE would occasionally sting my soul. This was one of those times. And the sting came when she kindly said, “That’s the easy way out.” Yes, that was my easy response, the stock answer. Why did I not search every corner of my soul for fuller truth? More importantly, why did I not ask GOD to reveal my heart and wait for HIS thoughts on the matter?

Where are the curriculum study books now and what were those questions? Somewhere in our packed boxes safely stored away. Someday, I’ll come across them and get emotional because it seems like yesterday Meagan and I were on the back deck discussing theology and God’s Word, and yet sometimes it seems like forever ago! Regardless, I am quite certain that when I do come across our books, I will find after walking this journey of pain and grief and anger and forgiveness and redemption and grace, that my answers will be so radically different than before. When you’ve been blistered by the desert winds and experienced the deep ocean floors, answers come from a place never known before. MY pages will be tear-stained for the ONE I love. I had heard of HIM, but now my eyes have seen HIM (as Job so reverently stated in chapter 42:5.) I have experienced HIS grace in the darkest of hours, in the darkest of places. I will NEVER be the same! And I will NEVER pursue the easy way out! In fact, I have often said, “The God I serve is not a God of easy way outs!” HIS road is hard and often painful. HIS ways demand faith. HE chastises those HE loves. YET…HIS grace is endless. HIS love unconditional. HIS mercy new EVERY morning. You bet I struggle daily, but HE gives me strength to stand, to take the next step—no matter what my eyes DO NOT see. 

From the trials of Joseph sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, Daniel in the lion’s den, or David fleeing into caves for his life from paranoid King Saul. From the parting of the Red Sea and the Children of Israel walking through to safety. From God testing Abraham using his only son Isaac. From Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and the fiery furnace seven times hotter than usual. From Jesus’ disciples, some making their biggest impact from prison cells. To Jesus being called to die a sinner’s death on the cross for all mankind. GOD is not a GOD of easy way outs! HE IS, however, THE GOD who makes a way through! Isaiah 43:19 “I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Psalm 23:4 “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU are with me…” Always a way through!

I no longer want to walk the spiritual beach. I want the deeper things. I want HIS mysteries that lie in the depths of the ocean. I want JESUS and to hear HIS voice that sometimes can be found in a gentle breeze, and often times ONLY in the fire! 

What is it that you want?

Psalm 107:23-24 “They that go down to the sea in ships,
that do business in great waters;
these see the works of the Lord,
and His wonders in the deep.”

Who among us is brave enough to pray the prayer of an old Cornishman from Streams in the Desert: “O Lord, send us out to sea—out in the deep water. Here we are so close to the rocks that the first bit of breeze with the devil, we are all knocked to pieces. Lord, send us out to sea—out in the deep water, where we shall have room enough to get a glorious victory.” 

THAT IS NOT YOURS TO GIVE

I wonder how many of us believe when we are in a crisis, going through a tragedy, or smack in the middle of hell, that God turns a blind eye to our actions and emotional outbursts. Or when we are living our worst possible nightmare, God excuses our ungodliness. Well, it ain’t so! Though our Sovereign God is more forgiving and merciful than we could ever think or imagine, HE is still Sovereign and Holy and Righteous…AND able to make us stand firm even when the earthquakes beneath us.

I was in the hospital after our tragedy and was completely lost. I thought all the things you would imagine, including, “God, what have You done!” My brain COULD NOT grasp the crash, the death of Meagan, the life I was somehow supposed to now live! I laid there in the midnight silence unable to rest my mind. I was in complete shock at what had happened a few hours prior and felt imprisoned in my own skin. I wanted out—out of everything but could hardly move!

Silence. I was crippled by the night silence. Then I heard that strong, powerful voice I loved for 30 years interrupt the turmoil in my head, but not as you would suppose! As with a holy pen My God etched His warning across my soul, “You will be held accountable for the words you speak, Rebecca.” WHAT?!

But I knew immediately, in all its fullness, what He spoke. I knew what was expected of me. And though my heart was shattered in a million fragments, and I was barely hanging on, I knew my mouth had the power of life or death. I could feel its power of life or death weighing at the tip of my tongue!! That moment, I determined NO soul would fall because of words from my mouth or pen. I would NOT go through this hell and be responsible for anyone turning their back on God because of anger, hate, bitterness, grief, doubt spewing from my lips or writings. I also knew He warned me against wounding my fellowman. He gave me NO excuse to bite at anyone just because I was injured and hurting. With this word of caution, I knew because He declared it that He would give me the power to walk in it!

Precious friends out of concern tried to assure me it was okay to “lose it” and be real; that God understood my pain and could deal with anything I threw out there; that God would understand and so would my friends, family, neighbors, etc. But with each concerned assurance, a holy anger would rise up in me! Yet, I would take a moment before responding, “That freedom is not yours to give me.”

You see, the Lord knew how critical His message was, and therefore, delivered it immediately following the tragedy. He made it clear that I would be held accountable for my words and actions during this terribly difficult journey. He made it clear that if I were a new “believer,” much grace would abound; but I had faithfully served Him 30 years at this point, and thus would be held to a different standard. I have taken this warning very seriously. God used hundreds and hundreds of people to lavish us with love, hope, and prayer over the years; but there were those rare occasions when I wanted to body slam a kind soul for saying something that was just so painfully stupid. (Sorry.) In those times, I learned to quickly excuse myself and cry it out to God—alone!

That brings me to my last point. Though God issued me a truth that night in the hospital, He has also been right there in the darkest hours with me, carrying me by His grace, loving me unconditionally. And in these times where it is just me and My God, things are very real and transparent and emotional—on both sides! He lets me cry and scream (NEVER at Him, I would not dare!), and hide in my world. But then there comes a holy moment when He beckons me to come out and fall in His loving arms until I can stand up on my own again. It is during these times in His arms that my storms subside, my pain becomes His, and I can see the sun, and make it another day.

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Ephesians 6:13 “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”

Provers 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Matthew 12:37 “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."

Proverbs 13:3 “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

Colossians 4:6 “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

Ecclesiastes 10:12 “Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious, but fools are consumed by their own lips.”

Psalm 103:1 “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!”

Psalm 145:21 “My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD, and all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever.”

Psalm 139:1-6 “You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue You, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”